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Thread: Essay, eh?

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    Default Essay, eh?

    So my school's having this competition, as part of the VFW movement, where we write an essay and if ours is the best we win an $1000 scholarship. Mine isn't done yet, but anyone got any comments or such about it? Feel free to criticize, as long as it's constructive.

    I did a screenshot to keep the formatting.

    Original, 10/26


    Update, 10/29:


    Update, 10/30:

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    Last edited by ToxicJew.; 10-30-2012 at 07:14 AM.
    ส็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็༼ ຈل͜ຈ༽ส้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้ส็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็ ็็็็็༼ ຈل͜ຈ༽ส้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้

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    Default Essay, eh?

    Personally think that it's flawless (from an analytical standpoint). You use big words but you make it where it's understandable so it's not too wordy. I also like how you use quotes for support to what you're saying. Very well written essay so far. It was a nice read, good luck.

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    Default

    Thanks, Josheh. I'll keep working on it though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Clay10 View Post
    Founding Fathers should be capitalized.
    :facepalm:

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    Default

    maybe work on your topic sentences to transition from paragraph to paragraph. try not do dive right in to a brand new topic without a transitional phrase.

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Slave View Post
    Personally think that it's flawless (from an analytical standpoint). You use big words but you make it where it's understandable so it's not too wordy. I also like how you use quotes for support to what you're saying. Very well written essay so far. It was a nice read, good luck.
    ^

    But nice job I really liked what you are writing

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    This quote moved me.
    Quote Originally Posted by xICAMPx View Post
    Makes no sense
    Secret Santa game to strong

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    Default

    However sire, upon previous arousal our founding fathers contemplated sexual intimacy amongst each other at the shrine, for which they are forever bound to by blood, in holy matrimony, amen.

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    Default Essay, eh?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tipped OuT View Post
    However sire, upon previous arousal our founding fathers contemplated sexual intimacy amongst each other at the shrine, for which they are forever bound to by blood, in holy matrimony, amen.
    This is how you should end it Jewseph .

    Also, what Zephyrus said about transitional phrases is a good point. Be original and what not :p

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    Default

    The introduction sentences are really good and very informative, but they just don't grab too much attention. Don't put so much detail in the first sentences. Make the reader want to read the rest of the paragraph to find all of the information, but write something in the first section that will stick in their mind after they read it. I'm sure you hear this a lot and I understand how it feels. I usually take up to ten minutes trying to figure out a starting sentence. In my opinion, introduction sentences are the hardest parts of essays.

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    Default

    If you don't mind me asking, what grade are you in?

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  10. #10

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    Default

    I'm in 11th grade.

    Word HAXZing, topic/transitional sentences are definitely among the hardest.

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