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  1. #1
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    Default My experience with depression

    I don't really know why I am writing this, I guess it kind of feels good to finally come out and talk about it. Big thank you to insane for talking me through it.
    I guess I'm also writing this to help others, as the man in my story has helped me.

    It started a few years ago, about 2. I just started having these days where nothing stimulated me, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. I had days where I just couldn't take anything at all, everything was fucking annoying and irritating. It just got worse. I started to get extremely emotional. I would cry for no reason in the middle of the day, I would be playing playstation and just burst in tears. It was uncontrollable. During the past 2 years I think I've felt normal for only 3 months of the time, and that was when I was in a relationship. I can't explain how great it is, being with someone who truly appreciates you, especially during a time when you desperately crave attention from anyone, when you want to feel loved because you feel like shit. Even though I am no longer with her, I still have strong feelings for her, and remember everyday we were together.

    Anyways i'm getting side tracked.
    After we broke up my depression came back stronger. I just was lost. I had ***hts where I hated myself. I just hated myself. Everything. My hair, my nose, my personality, my character. I hated literally who I was. My problem was and still is I have no real feelings. It's hard to explain but in essence, if say my mother was to die, I wouldn't care. Like I would obviously notice and accept it, but it would not phase me at all. I wouldn't lose any sleep. I started noticing this during my relationship, and it progressed to where I am generally apathetic towards everything. During this period I started to burn myself. It was sort of a quick fix for my problems.

    So let's move into the next chapter in my life: The Marine Corps.
    This was the best thing that ever happened to me. Boot camp was the most i've felt alive ever. It was challenging, but I would do it over in a heartbeat. It tested me physically, mentally, it gave me purpose. My reaction to it was kind of opposite of expected. I mean, they have a fucking suicide watch during boot camp. We had a guy try and hang himself the 2nd day and we didn't even get our real drill instructors yet. But I was the opposite. I'd wake up early and get my socks on ahead of time, I'd fucking blouse my boots nice and tight, iron my uniform on my free time. I took some pride in what I had. After boot camp I was back to my depressed ways. I don't know what it was but the day I got back I instantly felt it, I was overcome with a uselessness feeling, I was nothing, had nothing. I was only home for 10 days and then headed to another month of training. This time things were different. We had nothing but time on our hands at MCT. I was having fun, don't get me wrong. Shooting M240B's, M203's, throwing grenades, using ***ht vision and laser mounts. It was bad fucking ass. But one day on the range, and this just shows how it sneaks up to you, I was done.

    That morning, at 4AM, I woke up and I knew today was the day I wanted to die. I was hysterical. We were at the range and I was hiding in the back of the crowds, my kevlar on, flak, m16 slung around my back. I couldn't stop crying. It was just random. I'd start, calm myself down, and then look at my m16 and cry again. I kept my head low, I didn't want anyone to start staring. Anyways, it was my turn, headed up, got on line, and waited. My magazine was loaded and I was ready. I made sure I was on target 1, the coaches never payed attention to them. We were cleared to fire and I immediately put my rifle on fire, and turned it as quick as I could, into my mouth. To this day, and I'll never know why, my friend from boot camp, Gifford, for whatever reason was not shooting. As soon as my rifle was in my mouth it was quickly jerked out. He saved my life. I was just amazed. Lost. I had no idea what I was doing, I just started crying. After that life was a blur. I was in a hospital for 7 days, then back to Lima co. where I sat until I was discharged out of the Marine Corps. It fucking sucks. I loved it. I'm thankful though. It gave me time to think, and fix myself. I'm better now, than I was. I still have days where I feel helpless, but I cope with them better, and find use.

    My goal currently is to start fresh. I have a job interview this friday, which I hope can take me places to where eventually I can get my Engineering degree. Another goal is just to share my story and give hope to others because it truly does get better. I've probably smiled more in the past month than I have my entire life. There's so much to love and enjoy. It really makes you think.

    Anyways, there's my story. I was a little hesitant because I prefer to keep this locked up. My own mother doesn't know what went down that day, let alone what I was going through. I'm ashamed of myself, but I know I'm a stronger person now. Thanks for reading.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Melissa View Post
    tranny^


  2. #2
    Just say no to drugs hell nah I ain't listen Drugs's Avatar

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    I actually enjoyed reading this.

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    Not a drug addict.

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  3. #3
    Gymshark Outlaw's Avatar
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    Default

    Book worthy.

    I enjoyed reading that also. Hope the best for you man.

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    Good story man I enjoyed it

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  5. #5
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    Reading this now is grim.

    Rest easy dude.

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  6. #6
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    Default

    i still remember talking to him and all the convos we had. i still kick myself for not being able to offer better advice. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think of it.

    nevertheless rest easy man, still love ya like a brother.

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  7. #7
    Blink 182 Give Me Boners mynameisjosh's Avatar
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    Hunter was one of the only people I talked to on facebook from codeleakers. Hit me like a brick when he passed. rest easy and semper fi devil.

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  8. #8
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    Default

    It is scary how many comparisons I can make to myself in the way he described his depression and how mine feels at times.

    Most of us are adults now and can make decisions for ourselves, I encourage anyone who reads this and relates to these feelings to reach out and talk to someone. Honestly talking to a therapist has made a huge difference in my life and I think everyone should try it at some point. It doesn't make you crazy or weak to talk to a professional.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us?tr=Hdr_Brand

    This is a great resource to find someone, you can meet them digitally and never have to show your face or see them or in person. Feel free to reach out to me on discord if anyone has questions on how it works or wants to know more about what really goes on in therapy.

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  9. #9
    Nooblet
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    Wish you all the best!

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