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  1. #1
    I'ma Fuckin Scalie

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    Default loose ends.

    i'm not sure if anyone is interested, but this deals with my post a few months ago and i'd like to take a moment to express something.

    dealing with depression. it sure isn't easy that's one thing. all the negative energy, the pressure, the feeling of being absoultely worthless. the feeling of being a complete feckless sack of shit is a feeling that can take its toll on one over time.


    with my experience, i bottled it up and shoved it away, and it built up and exploded on the afternoon i tried killing myself. i didn't see the end to it, all i saw was the infinate loop of failure. but then, i woke up and found a yellow cord around my neck and felt the dried remains of tears on my face.


    i removed the makeshift noose and looked at it. i stared at it and asked myself why. what was the point of all this. to take the easy way out? to give up? to escape my failures? no. not even close. i wasn't myself. all the bottled up rage, all the negative energy took control and suffocated my mind and did what it wanted. my natural instinct was to get rid of it. like having an itch that needs scratching, you gotta scratch that fucker before it drives you insane.


    then i started wondering why i woke up, what's the reason i'm still here? to help others? to look back on my failures and improve? to make my life and others lives the best they can be? to send an altruistic energy toward others? to write this? i'm not sure, but one thing i'm sure about is i've realized that negative energy is everywhere, failure is everywhere. you can't escape it. however, you can filter it. you can change it.


    escaping the conception of depression isn't easy. however, getting past the illusion that aspires from negative energy and renders your mind into a state of uncontrolled madness is a great and easy start.


    filtering out the negative energy, finding the positive, helping others, doing what you love. it's the best feeling in the world. i wouldn't want to end that any day. i wouldn't want to let some negative energy and bottled up rage end it all. naa, i'm better than that.
    you're better than that, i know that for a fact. take a step back and feel the sun on your face. take a moment to tell the negative energy to fuck off by realizing where it comes from, finding out why it exists, unroot that bastard. for me it was my failure, it was my inability to pass exams. my way of learning is different and takes time, but once i know it, it's there forever.


    finding your negative energy and the aspiration of your depression is something that can be done by talking about it. express yourself to a counselor, or to a close friend, to a significant other. even if you don't have anyone to talk to, if you're a complete introvert and submit yourself to infinite solitude(like me), don't worry at all. step out for a small moment and grab the hand of someone who's willing to listen. it'll save your life.


    if you or someone you know has had suicidal thoughts and or survived a suicide attempt, don't tell them they were weak, or a coward taking the easy way out. reach out, give a hand, send out positive energy. there's always someone willing to talk.

    thanks for listening. <3

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    Last edited by Feckless.; 02-13-2015 at 06:04 PM.
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  2. #2
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    That was worth the read. I completely agree with you when you began talking about how negativity is everywhere. For the past two years, I have been getting up, putting on a fake smile, and acting like everything is okay, even though that is a load of bullshit. Fuck it, I'll admit something right now. I wish I could fucking kill myself. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking, "fuck you, fuck the world, fuck everyone." I only really have one person that knows me more than anyone, and that is Fuzed. Negativity is everywhere, and I fucking hate it. I have done so much shit in the last two, three, four, five years that i wish i could just take back. I wish i had the strength to just fucking end my waste of a life. I don't know where I am going with this, but I wish I could just walk away from all of the bullshit. I really wish I could just turn my back away from my issues, but somehow whenever i am faced in a new direction, all of my issues creep up from behind and fuck me. I don't really think talking to anyone will help me to be honest. I'm a completely different person online than I am in real life (I think we all are for the most part.) I can't really express myself through talking to people.

    ANYWAYS, I have found a new way to coop with my bullshit and issues. Recently I have begun writing poems/raps, whatever the fuck you want to call them, and they're an easy way for me to express what I'm feeling. I'll write one up, then throw it out. Hell, maybe I'll share one on CL someday. That is the only way I have found that works for me to just let go.

    I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better.

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  3. #3
    I'ma Fuckin Scalie

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    Quote Originally Posted by Atmosphere View Post
    That was worth the read. I completely agree with you when you began talking about how negativity is everywhere. For the past two years, I have been getting up, putting on a fake smile, and acting like everything is okay, even though that is a load of bullshit. Fuck it, I'll admit something right now. I wish I could fucking kill myself. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking, "fuck you, fuck the world, fuck everyone." I only really have one person that knows me more than anyone, and that is Fuzed. Negativity is everywhere, and I fucking hate it. I have done so much shit in the last two, three, four, five years that i wish i could just take back. I wish i had the strength to just fucking end my waste of a life. I don't know where I am going with this, but I wish I could just walk away from all of the bullshit. I really wish I could just turn my back away from my issues, but somehow whenever i am faced in a new direction, all of my issues creep up from behind and fuck me. I don't really think talking to anyone will help me to be honest. I'm a completely different person online than I am in real life (I think we all are for the most part.) I can't really express myself through talking to people.

    ANYWAYS, I have found a new way to coop with my bullshit and issues. Recently I have begun writing poems/raps, whatever the fuck you want to call them, and they're an easy way for me to express what I'm feeling. I'll write one up, then throw it out. Hell, maybe I'll share one on CL someday. That is the only way I have found that works for me to just let go.

    I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better.
    i still have those days where the negative energy is pretty strong and the "fuck everyone and everything" attitude comes on. to get that off i just blast music and jam out to some hardcore deathmetal or gnarly dubstep.

    talking to others may not be ones cup of tea, however it's just a suggestion. it worked great for me.

    i love writing poetry, i've got random notepad documents everywhere. i've even got a short 20 some page story i'm working on too. producing music is my biggest outlet though. my parents and my friends have totally realized that lol.

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  4. #4
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    This hits really close to home, I have been dealing with an overwhelming depression for the past couple months. I would be lying if suicide wasnt a thought at one point or another


    expanding on what dragon said, just because your introverted doesnt mean you shouldnt seek out someone to talk to.

    Don't assume no one cares because people do, I do. And ill happily talk to anyone else who is having troubles because i get it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Feckless. View Post
    i'm not sure if anyone is interested, but this deals with my post a few months ago and i'd like to take a moment to express something.

    dealing with depression. it sure isn't easy that's one thing. all the negative energy, the pressure, the feeling of being absoultely worthless. the feeling of being a complete feckless sack of shit is a feeling that can take its toll on one over time.


    with my experience, i bottled it up and shoved it away, and it built up and exploded on the afternoon i tried killing myself. i didn't see the end to it, all i saw was the infinate loop of failure. but then, i woke up and found a yellow cord around my neck and felt the dried remains of tears on my face.


    i removed the makeshift noose and looked at it. i stared at it and asked myself why. what was the point of all this. to take the easy way out? to give up? to escape my failures? no. not even close. i wasn't myself. all the bottled up rage, all the negative energy took control and suffocated my mind and did what it wanted. my natural instinct was to get rid of it. like having an itch that needs scratching, you gotta scratch that fucker before it drives you insane.


    then i started wondering why i woke up, what's the reason i'm still here? to help others? to look back on my failures and improve? to make my life and others lives the best they can be? to send an altruistic energy toward others? to write this? i'm not sure, but one thing i'm sure about is i've realized that negative energy is everywhere, failure is everywhere. you can't escape it. however, you can filter it. you can change it.


    escaping the conception of depression isn't easy. however, getting past the illusion that aspires from negative energy and renders your mind into a state of uncontrolled madness is a great and easy start.


    filtering out the negative energy, finding the positive, helping others, doing what you love. it's the best feeling in the world. i wouldn't want to end that any day. i wouldn't want to let some negative energy and bottled up rage end it all. naa, i'm better than that.
    you're better than that, i know that for a fact. take a step back and feel the sun on your face. take a moment to tell the negative energy to fuck off by realizing where it comes from, finding out why it exists, unroot that bastard. for me it was my failure, it was my inability to pass exams. my way of learning is different and takes time, but once i know it, it's there forever.


    finding your negative energy and the aspiration of your depression is something that can be done by talking about it. express yourself to a counselor, or to a close friend, to a significant other. even if you don't have anyone to talk to, if you're a complete introvert and submit yourself to infinite solitude(like me), don't worry at all. step out for a small moment and grab the hand of someone who's willing to listen. it'll save your life.


    if you or someone you know has had suicidal thoughts and or survived a suicide attempt, don't tell them they were weak, or a coward taking the easy way out. reach out, give a hand, send out positive energy. there's always someone willing to talk.

    thanks for listening. <3

    Listen man Pray To GOD..Please i am not joking this time, he can do anything he is not limited, besides why kill yourself when you have a whole bunch of stuff, then you got family.

    Its 2015 man its time get up and accept those trails and tribulations

    Besides why are you depressed? If you tell us then we can find a good outcome, there's lots of memeber here that can give advice

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  6. #6
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    Dragon <3
    I'm glad you're back and doing so much better. Although there's days where you will feel a bit down, remember that we all still love you and that you're not a failure!

    Honestly, I've felt the same way a lot. Continue to feel that way to this very day. Always wondering why I'm doing all this computer stuff even though I never get anything from it, why I fail in my social skills and in school (not like Fs but I tend to not do so hot), why I fail in relationships, why I fail at my job and disappoint my team members, why I disappoint everyone I live with. It's hard, and believe me I've tried to take the easy way out. I just reach a point where I can't take it all, especially the bullying at school, and I just want to end it. I've tried before. It's hard to deal with. And I'm glad you're dealing with it and not doing the "easy" thing and ending it all. <3

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  7. #7
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    I gone through this before. I got so use to it after awhile that I forget to care. The only times I do get seriously depressed is if I'm so angry. I start to realize so much. I began to go back since I haven't gone back to college. I disappointed my mom when I dropped one class from college, which was math. I didn't get help from anyone so it was hard for me. Tutors aren't available sometimes and they can't even tutor for shit. So when I dropped that class everything went downhill. Lost my scholarship. Also I suffer from insecurity. When I go out I'm afraid what others might think of me. I don't socialize that much so when I'm outside with my girlfriend I let her talk to who ever we come across because I don't know what to talk about. I hate myself for being this way since I was little. From my siblings, as the oldest, I've always been the non-social one. It sucks. My girlfriend also suffer from depression and anger so I help her out the same. It sucks.

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  8. #8
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    Well, dude, you have my number now. If you're ever thinking that you're feeling depressed again, shoot me a text. I keep my phone on me everywhere I go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Icee View Post
    Well, dude, you have my number now. If you're ever thinking that you're feeling depressed again, shoot me a text. I keep my phone on me everywhere I go.
    To be honest I think we all should keep in touch..

    Shoot me your number in pm.. I'm making get everyone elses

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  10. #10
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    Awesome read. You speak the truth, insane! Kind of made me tear up a bit.

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